I was thinking today, some days I feel lost. Void of direction as I sit in my room waiting for something that isn't happening. I don't really have a path or a way. I just know I'm here, and I need to go... but where to? My goals and passions become faded because of this everlasting misery, feeling left to dry till I die and forgotten and lost with the rest of those fading memories of me.
I haven't done much and I get recognized for so little, at times it feels like no matter what I do, unless I'm with the right people or I have someway ahead, it doesn't matter. Sometimes everyone wants to feel special. That's why it annoys me when I see others treated special, because I want to feel special too.
"What's wrong?"
I don't know, I thought that it was obvious.
I sit here watching while everyone else lives. I don't sell drugs or traffic, but those guys make money and get to live. I don't smoke or drink often but those guys have the best times, and everyone wants to hang out with them and chill. I don't play with the feelings of the opposite sex, but those guys get the most. I like to hang out with friends, because there aren't many people I can connect with back home. Still feels like there aren't. I feel trapped. I want to draw, I want to program fun apps and make video games, I want to have a good time, but everyday is a reminder of what I don't have and what I lack. Some people say get up and get yours, but the way I feel, unless you're in my shoes you wouldn't understand what it's like to be me. Everyone has answers, but no one can help, so I've stopped asking. They say family is who's there, but I'm not their responsibility....so....
You know. There's a lot about myself I show to the world, still there are those small things that I keep to myself. Well that's an exaggeration. Because there are bigger things that may decide. But when that day comes, I might let you know. Those who care, will always be there, but the truth will always be, you can't make it in this world alone. So even when I don't admit it, loneliness eats at me.
Some people view me as mean, others know that I'm kind, some rather just not acknowledge me at all. I hate being told I'm talented because deep inside I feel as though I should become better, but with this life thing, stress and lack of funds it's kinda hard to keep focus. I need money that I don't have from places that aren't willing to hire me despite my experience or potential. I think my life is a joke. Sometimes I feel as if I was hyped up, I hate running into old acquaintances because I feel as if more was expected from me. I have nothing, not even the blocks to build and most definitely not the support. Some people have enough connections so that it's easy to succeed, some people bust their ass for success while there are those who've died..... trying. Most of the time I feel like there's no point. Sometimes I rather just sit back and play a game.
Tragic.
Sometimes I want to just be me, Sometimes I want to have fun, Sometimes I want to feel special too.
I don't know where to go or where to be. No where I go feels like home to me.
Sometimes I want to let go of the past, the emptiness, the void, the nothingness, the fear of being nothing and the pain from not having, but that's just me. When I'm not being sarcastic or making jokes or funny remarks. It's kinda hard to see me in a different light, even painful to watch. The one who encourages everyone to get up is down. To you it may seem odd, but to me it makes sense.
Weird isn't it?
I don't know.
-Arc Christelle
Now here's some rap and an old school R&B track.
No comments:
Post a Comment